Crouching phoenix in the the ashes

Oh shit just got real now! Isnt that the honest truth. Flip on a TV channel and you can see the fire and the brimstone. The righteous wrath bubbling up in those who hold the front lines. Our presswalas cry hoarse and cry blood in this high noon. Like shit wasn't real enough when the last girl died and they shipped her corpse overseas just so those in power would not be blamed. As if shit wasn't real enough when they were blaming maggi for rape. Hell shit has been real for a long time. How long has it been? Can any of you truly remember a time when you did not read such things happening in our great nation? I remember reading absolutely heinous blood chilling perversions in Indian Express. Back when I was ten and my only interest in the damn paper were the Tarzan cartoons. And even then I would wonder, what causes such an eruption of savagery in the human being? What breaks us so bad that we erupt in this disease?

Is it oppression? It could very well be the oppression. The oppression of the mind and the body, the slavery we enforce upon our fragile minds in the name of society. Oppression, both sexual and social. As we inherit the chains created by our ancestors in an ever changing world. In a world where concepts of absolute control and right of might are rendered obsolete by the rapid exchange of information. A world where the word accountability takes on brand new meanings. A world where you cannot fool the masses and soon you wont even be able to fool yourself. A world where equality, freedom, liberty ring closer and closer to the truth. And yet we toil on, telling our wives to dress modest while eyeing that hot babe in the red dress. Frowning on social releases, frowning down on immodest behavior. We press on deriving ourselves of all the pleasures of the world. While we stick to our code of morality.

We burn ourselves out bearing tyranny of invisible castes, creeds, taboos, dogmas, stigmas. Bearing the cross of many sins real and imagined until we are nothing but shadows of what was once living breathing flame.

It could be our familial systems. It could be the system of joint families. An interesting family style in an increasingly overpopulated world. Where privacy becomes a taboo and everything is encouraged to be shared with your relatives. Everything? Why yes everything. Thus forgetting how inherently negative humans are. Forgetting what happens when negativity is bottled up inside for years and years without release. Forgetting there is a beast inside every man, that stirs ever so close to the skin. Because we thought our family love would be enough...enough to stem back the black tide.

It could be our hubris for believing so long we are superior beings to these ignorant westerners and their blatant disregard for modesty and penchant for equality. Could be because we dared to think that our ancient rotting culture which has been hijacked by fanatics made us better in any way than anybody else. Could be because we are so full of ourselves that we cannot even see ourselves in the mirror when we take a good look.

Well take a good look now. See what we are, and going as we are see where we are headed. Its all going down baby. Its all going down.

See where you wanted to be, and see where you are. Isnt that how you assess life goals? So why should it be any different for a nation.  We are not where we thought we would be. We are shamed because we cannot even handle our own deviancy. India can learn a thing or two about this from Japan, not they have shit all sorted out either. But then no has their shirt sorted out. Its a sign of the times. The end times. Kal Yuga! After all what can one man do? What can one woman do? Protest a little, picket the parliament, write blogs with false hopes, and then when the dust settles down wait for the next rape to come around. Until the blood starts to boil again. Right?

Honestly I dont know. My answer which might not be your answer at all is to be a better human being. Yes, thats about it...despite how anti climatic that sounds. I wand to live my life as best I can and do whatever I am doing, the best I can. Because if I can just do that much then I think I have a chance. If I can just keep things around me sane. If I can just break out of this cycle of hatred and hopefully not let it foster around me, that will be enough. If I can just live free and breathe free along with my fellow human beings, that will be enough. If I can choose the straighter road in how I live, that will be enough. And if fate one day tosses me a chance at rendering a service to my nation, big or small, then I will know that I can truly make a difference. Big or small. I will know that I got my chance to play a part.

Big or small.

And choose accordingly.

The molting cynic.

I believe I was always destined to be a cynic. I mean look around me. Look around you. What do you see? I see the slipshod slap dash abomination of a governance surrounding us from Kashmir to Kanyakumari masquerading as a democracy. I see greed win the war of the wolves and emerge the stronger hungrier one. I see avarice rule the stars at night while darkness guides our hearts in the day. So of course who would not want to be a cynic in times like these. Being a cynic means you dont have to worry, because as bad as things are right now they could still get worst. being a cynic means you can dismiss any hope for a solution as the flailing of a drowning form. And be damned proud of the fact that you saw it coming.

Being a cynic means you are free to the charms of this world. The false idols of hope and dreams cannot touch you. As a cynic you command the mighty powers of sarcasm and true wit. And if you use them with the razor preciseness befitting your aggresive demeanor then lo and behold it is only a matter of time before you become a Samur-asshole.

Im sorry did you think I was calling you a Samurai?

The biggest cynics in this world are the biggest losers. They are the inertia to your moving wheel. The block that smugly blocks the way all the while being too proud and too oblivious to realize that it is indeed itself that is blocking the damned way. Most cynics will attest that the cynical outlook on life allows them an out of the box view of the solutions. but that is a lie. No cynic is looking for a solution. For the solution is right there innit? After all they are a part of the problem. Being as true to the world around them as true they are to themselves.

The biggest cynical assholes of the world are closet optimists begging the entire world around them to rescue their cynical ass from this quicksand of darkly despair that permeates every fiber of their being. With rants and raves they send out their shrieking calls for help, yelling at you and the world around. The world itself takes up their call. Clamoring in the hundreds as they huddle together for warmth and hope. Till you hear it on the winds, till you can catch a hint of the call slipping down  that drink you ordered. Till you can hear their muted whispers secreting away at your soul in every soulless stare you get. Until the birds and the bees and the trees and the leaves are altogether screaming for a savior.

Are you that savior?

Well gee neither am I. Its alright no need to get upset, Im sure their savior will come to them one day. On a white horse gleaming in the sunlight/starlight? with wings on her back and epic boobs. Clad in shiny armor and all. And until that day the thought of a savior will keep them alive, keep them sane. Acting as the source of hope, fueling the engines of dreaming and possibility. Keeping the optimism alive within. For the greatest trick any cynic ever did was convincing themselves of the hopelessness of the situation. Not realizing that the savior they are looking for was staring them in the mirror. They pound away at the fabric of their own reality howling at the unfairness of it all. Putting on a shroud of despair they wail. And in their desperation  they pull off the greatest trick ever, convincing themselves they have hit rock bottom.

Hit the point of no return. Crossed the line of no control, gone to the other side...etc etc. You get the picture.

Well unfortunately as is the case with most things cynical even this is a false wisdom. There is no rock bottom. No basement level. If you wanna fall, you can fall for an eternity and still not hit rock bottom. You will fall, and you will sink lower and lower and until you will be barely recognizable as a human being inside. But you wont stop ever stop falling because there is no natural end to this progression. You started this progression with your mind. And only you can end it. You can rise up whenever you want. Could soar back up there and do what you wanted to all along. But you dont really want to rise up. Hell that would mean doing something. Hell that would mean creating something. That would mean looking back at all those people you dismissed as sheep stuck in the cogs of destiny, and knowing you were wrong. That would mean actually having to care for the world around you for a change. And no self respecting cynic would ever want to care. It would break them apart.

'Cause after all being a cynic is so much better, with nothing better to do. Except to just wallow around all day, and chill here with you.

Paper Mafia Blues or how I learned to live without the Times of India

No newspaper today. Its a strange feeling to get up in the morning and get no morning paper. You feel kinda incomplete. As if the world has chosen to pass you by without as much as a kind goodbye. So I decided to investigate further as to exactly why dont we have a newspaper. To make matters worse this was not the first time this had happened. So rousing my sleeping mind from its limbo I set it to the task of discovering the culprit behind this grave sin. What was unearthed was a shocking nexus of crime and villainy throbbing and pulsing with unholy life right beneath our noses. Alright so maybe its not that bad, But humor me.

It all started when my father, the strict army man who does not tip and maintains a strict overwatch on the inflow and outflow of cash in my household noticed something strangely amiss. He noticed he was paying more for the newspaper than he was supposed to. Now all this happened a while back. And my dad being cut from the iron of our ancestors decided to dig his heels in and make a stand. Inviting a confrontation with our paperboy (a forty something dude who loves chewing pan all the time). For you see we were not just being overcharged, we were being hoodwinked.

Just to set the record straight,  My household survives on a daily dose of tabloid news from Times of India. I dont particularly like it, nor am I blind to their shameless whoring and money grabbing. But hey its news and it gets me an appropriate summary of the world that was. Allowing me to set my mind on the world that will be. Now the newspaper insists that I should only be charged 5 Rupees per paper. This price is inclusive of any and all commissions that need to be paid up to get the paper in my hands. They are very clear about that fact. According to which my monthly expenses for TOI came to about 150 bucks. However the paper boy sent a bill of 180 bucks. My initial reaction to this was "well what's another thirty bucks". Fair enough right? I mean its just thirty bucks I probably blow that much on smokes or samosas or whatever. Fortunately my father is not as foolishly apathetic as I am. To him thirty bucks meant the difference between letting the paperboy go and planting his military boot right up his ass.

You see my co-op housing has fifty flats in it. Thirty bucks extra a flat means our paperboy covers about 1500 bucks from our society itself. And considering the fact that I knew he supplied to at least three more societies with around sixty - seventy flats each makes his haul around 8 - 9 k/month. Mind you this is not money he needs to pay off to TOI. This is his profit margin beyond the profit margin already allocated to him by the newspaper. So this is his...I dunno...payoff? protection money?  paper delivery tax? Also he charges this rate per paper. So if you order two newspapers, you pay sixty bucks extra. All in all I would not be surprised if he was hustling in about 10 k a month, conservatively.

With this figure burning inside and stoking the fires of rightful retribution Dad and I decided to confront our paperboy. However we were not ready for the depths of his shamelessness. His first reaction was to vehemently deny that he was overcharging us. That worked for all of five seconds until we literally calculated the amount due right in front of him and showed him his bill. Next he assured us that he was not overcharging us and that he had to ask for that extra amount as Times of India was charging him the amount. A claim that was again disproved right in front of him as we talked to a TOI customer care operative then and there. Thus cornered our paperboy started to get creative.

"Alright saab, how about I dont overcharge you anything. And you keep your mouth shut about this eh?"

Wow. Now that really pissed me Dad off and even shook me off my apathetic throne. Until now I was just going along for the kicks. But it was clear to me this guy was desperate. And desperation usually means there is something to hide. Which he proved to us when he followed up that sweet sweet offer with a most generous threat.

"Dekh lo Saab, poorey ilakey mein koi bhi paper nahi dalega appke ghar pe. Jyada panga liya to ghar to chodo aapki society mein koi paper nahi dalega."

Aint that a bitch. For those of you who have no concept of Hindi the paperboy's trump card was to threaten us with a newspaper embargo. And not just my house, but the entire co-op housing we live in. That's right, no newspaper for anyone because we dared stir up the paper mafia hornet nest. Of course after that there was no backing down. There could be no backing down now. Usually at this stage you would be left wondering what possible action can you take. Sure you could complain to the Times of India people (we did) and hope they take care of things but that's not how the world works. If something around you is broken you fix it, ya dont wait for someone else to show up and fix it. So we got down to organizing ourselves. First our society, then the one next door and then the one next to that one. Slowly but steadily we talked our way through to the societies in the neighborhood, tracing down the paperboy's route and figuring out his customer base. Until all twelve co-op societies in the area were now finally sitting down at one table and discussing this problem. (Yeah, same paperboy, twelve societies, 1500 times twelve, shit just got real).  Since he decided to threaten us with an embargo, well we have an embargo for you Mister Paperboy. Fix your prices or you will have no customers. None.

The solution? Simple, switch paper vendors. In all twelve societies.

Essentially robbing the guy of his entire customer base and thus ending his little monopoly. Now personally I dont care of the Times of India group is involved in this whole mess. maybe they do like to overcharge their paper delivery agents. Or maybe its just a local mafia of deliverymen who banded together and decided to start raking in some healthy profits. Either way this is the symptom of our lives and times, corruption seething and bubbling about right under our noses. And most of us will choose to do absolutely nothing about it. Because shit its just an extra thirty bucks right? What are you gonna do if you save those thirty bucks right? Buy another samosa...easier just to look away and pay that extra cash right? Easier still to dont ask and dont tell right? Easiest of all to just let things be right?

But not all of us will be able to do that. Not anymore. I know I wont be able to do that anymore. I would rather not read a newspaper than contribute my money in developing a goddamned syndicate running right under my nose. I know now for sure that no matter where I go I will look more closely at the paper bill. Because this is the way we are supposed to be. We are not supposed to bow down to corruption, no matter how small or minuscule it might be. We are not supposed to take shit lying down no matter how sweetly it is dumped on us. We are not supposed to swallow bullshit, and we are supposed to ask questions. We are meant to know.

So when the odds are all stacked up against you and you are the only one thinking of not running away. Remember, you are not alone.

Because some of us will fight, no matter the odds.

And those us will change things in times to come.


edit: Fixed some loopy mathematics, thanks to Somil. Like my teacher always said "EK AUR CARELESS MISTAKE?"